The Melbourne Lesbian Guide

Hello, I need a bit of help.

Ever since I was 12 I've been falling desperately in love with my best friends. Al, who freaked out when I made her a candle lit dinner at age 12. (Should have seen that one coming) There was Am, who was so sick emotionally that she couldn't see past herself to know it was happening. T, at age 16, I used to hang on every word she would say, but she had a boyfriend, so that was not reciprocated either.

Then at 16 I met Ab, I worked with her for about a year and we quickly became friends in that tortured youth phase where the whole world is out to get you. We were best friends until we were 21, (our birthdays being just a few days apart.) I was smitten of course. (I've only just figured all this part out!)

I've always thought that I may have been bi-sexual (because I've always had short term boyfriends, the longest 6 months, the sex only ever lasted for the first 3 months and then I would find something wrong with them and move on, they were always very feminine and submissive to me, even though I'm naturally submissive myself), but I only ever acted on my attraction to women once in the relationship sense  with a girl called Ca who worked near me, I was 19ish. I sent her flowers, we had dinner and then spent a whole day in bed, it was probably one of the most simple relationships I've ever had, Ha. But, at the end of the day, being with her effected my friendship with Ab and it ended, pretty badly. Even at that stage I was putting Ab first. When I was with Ca, I went to a few gay clubs and tried to get out in the scene but I felt like a big phony. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. and that I didn't fit that mould.

Eventually I settled with a guy who was... A big girl basically. and I was with him for 6 months, it didn't impact on my friendship with Ab which had gotten so seriously confusing that even her parents were starting to make mention of the fact that I was attending christmas dinner with her. Ab had 1 boyfriend that was kind of serious but when they started living togeather and he started talking about rings she shut him down and moved out of his life completely. A year or so later she started dating another guy when I was with this last one. And she got pregnant.

We had fallen into what we called a heterolife partnership. (Psh, hardly). We never kissed, we never had sex, we did snuggle an awful lot and more often then not slept togeather because it just felt natural. We lived togeather whilst we house sat for 3 months and had plans, when she got knocked up, to move in togeather. I was too terrified that if I made a move I would lose her all togeather. She practically had me eating out of her hand. Lol.

So, when she decided to keep the baby I said I would be more than happy to continue our relationship and support her, but in typical fshion she completed blocked me out of her life, which is what she did to the boyfriend when things got to intense for her then. I think my grandparents might have called her and told her that she would be ruining my life... nosey GP's have a habit of doing that. I was shattered... Okay, okay, i still am, a little bit. Anyways, that was all a gradual thing over the last two years, it's been more than a year since I even spoke to her.

I moved house, I got a decent job, I started taking care of myself. I had to learn how to be completely self sufficient. Which I did. But I've been single for 2 years. The boyfriend from back then, I unceremoniously told to F off so I could be alone with my misery, because I really wasn't going to be any help to anyone in that state. I have tried to have sex with two men since then and both were complete failures. I actually threw up in my mouth a little bit when I was with one of them. Hehehe. I've never admitted that.

So, last week I tried to kiss a guy for the first time in about 6 months and i just felt nothing. Not even a glimmer of hope in my girlie parts. And it left me completely shocked and I said to this guy "Dude, I think I might be a bit gay..." and he was so sweet about it, and just told me to do what makes me happy.

So, I've been talking to three of my close girlfriends about it and the responses I got blew me away, one of them actually said "I always thought you were gay. And couldn't figure out why you kept going out with guys." another one said that I'm going through phases of deniloe and I just need to own it for once. So now what.... Is it possible that I've gone from the occasional cock loving, girlfriend turning nymphite into an outright lesbian...? I mean seriously... what the? Please, weigh in, and give me a clue!

Tia.

Oh, thank you Amanda.

I've been getting some really positive replies at Samesame too. I love what you say about relationships being evolutionary. This is a concept I am still new to recognising. Though I am very self aware usually, this is one topic that absolutely stumps me!

Thanks again for weighing in, I see much contemplation ahead!